2014 was the the strangest, most unexpected year i could never have foreseen or frankly, asked for. it has been a peaceful year full of travel and love, but also with a total feeling of self displacement. it’s true, all my stuff still sits locked up in a storage unit somewhere off I-25 in Colorado. the rest of me and my stuff reside at my parents house- not where i saw myself at 34, but there could be much worse things in life. at the time i made the decision to come here, i thought it would be for a few months to get through the holidays and to figure out where to go after the cabin. and then time just happened. turns out that wasn’t the real reason i couldn’t figure out where to go…it was fear and the unknown. fear of the past and the future so all i had to keep me standing up was the present and avoiding the future like the plague.
in-between many trips and a few short lived months in a sub-lease in chicago, i have spent my time here with my family (sans my bro and his family in olympia, wa). sometimes i want to pull my hair out of my head from boredom, sometimes i simply don’t feel like myself, sometimes i feel completely content and loved. in-between working on the sun + glory line (which has been great) i have taught my mom how to binge watch tv shows like orange is the new black or the mindy project . i am now well versed in modern television programming thanks to roku and time. i have eaten more fast food and beef in the last year than i did in ten years living in LA. i have gained at least 10 lbs and i recently noticed a small double chin creeping up- oh, the horror- who am i? i still work out, but i am simply not as busy as i was in my normal life which allotted me to skip meals (now i have added in a few extra ones) nor do i have any sort of dating excitement to keep me on par. ok ok, enough excuses, i have made my own bed, and i am lying in it. it’s gonna be ok.
but all in all, to have this time with my family has and will be invaluable. after living across the country for my adult life, i was so far removed from their life here and vice versa. i felt like a stranger when i came home, with little to relate on. i feel closer to them than i have in years and frankly, how can that be so wrong? i can pick on a whim and go to my sisters’ houses and start up a game of life with my nieces and nephews. i have been present for birthday parties, backyard soccer games, ice cream in the swimming pool. there is beauty in the simplicity of it all and i find myself often wondering what if i choose this life, or why didn’t i choose this life? sometimes i wish i could, but i don’t think i can. not right now anyway.
i wouldn’t take any of this time back, not just because that is impossible, but because i have never been able to regret. one thing i can honestly say i am proud of. because it has been a year of reflection, of growth, of contemplation, of travel. it hasn’t been overly exciting or inspirational (like the cabin was), hence, my lack of blogging, but it has been a year of self reflection of what i want in life and the sheer notion that you have to work for that. i am ready to work for it! i will turn 35 and i plan to wear it like a badge of honor. it’s gonna be all about ME!
so, why am i blogging now? well, i don’t know. i got a whim up my butt this morning and decided to go for it. i have written a million blog posts in my head over the past year, but i simply didn’t have the energy to share it. i needed this year to be for myself and not to be splattered narcissistically on the internet like an open wound that would never heal. it seems i am ready to be a little egotistical again and indulge those who wish to read about my strange journey through life and creativity. i can’t promise i will be back here often, but we will just see how the cookie crumbles.
as for the future of 2015, it is already off to a great start. heading to hudson, ny next week for a job. two big sun + glory projects i will share soon, and- DUH DUH DON- it looks like i am moving back to LA. it only took 2 years and 2 months to figure out i should be right back where i started. frankly, there are a great many places i would like to move to – NYC, France, back to living in the mountains, but it seemed the smartest move financially, creatively, and socially, was to go home-for the time being. i still sometimes hope in the next two months something else will arise to take me on the next journey somewhere else, but i also think the second time around LA will be everything i always hoped it would be and was. the mountains await me for the future- this i know. the fantasy was a reality and now a fantasy again, but patience is the key- desire a setback.
as for 2014, here is a little peek into the highlights.
january– before going insane from the polar vortex, i spent a few weeks in LA visiting all my old buds and stomping grounds. i did a great photo shoot (see previous post)- which was also the last time i blogged anything. i decided, while standing in the warmth of LA sunshine, i would move to chicago for a few months hoping to conjure up some work on a tv show pilot. looking back, i must have been desperate to move forward and slightly crazy while doing so.
february– february i spent dieting and exercising and watching the olympics while trying to fight polar vortex depression. the dieting and exercise didn’t seem to do much for my waist line. the paleo diet might be bullshit, but i totally fell for it. i also went to chicago to look for a place to live. it snowed a lot.
march– i moved to chicago and it was not warm. i found a sublease for 3 months to far north to really enjoy the city and was pretty much trapped inside the apartment working on sun + glory pieces and searching for production jobs. i turned down a costume design position on an indie film because the pay was bad and knew it would be unorganized. pretty sure that was the worst decision i made all year- but hey, one should learn from their mistakes! my biggest outings were taking wylie to the dog beach on lake michigan which was frozen over until april and hitting up the grocery store. it was exhilarating. i have two BFF’s in chicago, so there were sparatic outings, but i was pretty bored…and cold. very cold. like brutally, i don’t want to do anything cold. i also binge watched true detective, brooklyn nine nine, and broad city. i told you i was well versed in modern programming.
april– i turned 34 in april and was miserably depressed on the day of. that sunday afternoon of april 6,2014 i ate a large helping of stinky cheese and bread, a bottle of beautiful champagne gifted to me, and half a tub of talenti ice cream (have you had that stuff? it is amazing). let’s just say my stomach hurt real real bad. it was a waste of a good bottle of bubbly. i am pretty sure i cried myself to sleep because more people were having fun on instagram on my birthday than i was, and though i laugh about it now- i plan to completely ignore any birthdays moving forward. unless, of course someone wants to fly me to paris or throw me an amazing surprise party (dear friends- please take note here :) ). in april, i also drove to see my old childhood home in indiana. it is only about an hour from chicago. i was filled with a lot of nostalgia and happiness about my childhood and how lucky we were. it was a fun solo adventure, like all my adventures. thank god for wylie dog. at the end of april, i almost drove out to new mexico to look at this property/farm house/ art gallery that was my dream place. i was so ready to do it, and then the owner basically said he wouldn’t rent to me because i was a single girl and it was too much work for me alone. thank you, sir, for reminding me i am single and nothing without a man by my side.
i also became obsessed with the cosmos and brought it up in every conversation possible. it turns out, realizing i am but a speck of dust in the entire universe was just the motivation i needed to feel totally insignificant . it took all the pressure off in the best possible way. i am but a human with a small time frame on this glorious earth and i am gonna live it while gracefully purging my ego and finding the simplest of things to be happy about. i spent a whole year in therapy and i simply could have solved my egotistical problems with an hour of neil degraase tyson explaining the timeline and history of earth. thank you carl sagan and neil degrasse tyson, you changed my life at the cost of $7.99 for huluplus monthly subscription. To think all the money i could have saved.
may– chicago is finally de-thawing and i am starting to feel human again. i went on a date for the first time in like a year. it was kind of fun and it went no where. i have let that ship sail anyway-relationships. the best one i will ever have is with myself anyhow. and as it turns out, thanks to modern technology ladies, you don’t actually need a man to have a baby. so, i have my own j-lo back up plan in place. the rest of may i head out to NYC to sell my goods at renegade craft fair, work on a photo shoot, and overall fun extravangaza of subway riding and eating. i love NYC. at the end of may i pack up an apartment for the 3rd time. in less than 9 months.
june– i moved out of my sublease apartment in chicago having certainly not giving it enough time, but also knowing i never want to live in chicago. i leave as fast as i can. i decide to spend the summer at my parents to have more family time and tell myself i will move in the fall. Turns out that was just an excuse to lay by the pool all summer. the rest of june was spent working on wholesale orders and swimming in my parents pool listening to the outfield trying to get a midwest tan.
july– beginning of july was spent in estes park, colorado with my entire family. all 17 of us stayed in a large house on the same river that washed away my cabin, just at a higher altitude. it was a beautiful week spent with family, elk practically on our front porch, and hikes in the mountains. i love COLORADO. i went back to see the remains of the cabin property, it still leaves me breathless. at the end of july i drove to indianapolis to see my best friend from my childhood and her family. it was a great weekend of love. I also took another trip to chicago to see beck play at pitchfork. I felt really old amongst all the twenty somethings. It was a great show. I also took a little side trip to indiana’s amish country with one of my best friends, her brother, and their grandma. Amish country was on her bucket list. It was a bit of a disaster this trip, but we laughed our asses off while grandma slept in the front seat and we looked and looked for the amish people. On the way back to chicago grandma bought us all ice cream cones from mcdonalds. It was one of the best days and the most i laughed all summer bring how random it all was.
august- i went to a holistic doctor to see if they can explain to me why i gained weight and can’t loose it, besides the obvious -you eat too much. who is looking for logical answers at a time like this? turns out though, i am allergic to walnuts, i have a little bit of candida and leaky gut syndrome. i get a schlew of herbs and am suppose to follow and anti-candida diet, however, i simply half- ass it. the pills and half- ass diet do help though. august also brought me to back to colorado for another job. you can check it out here. i drove out, worked, drove back. at this point, traveling is wearing on me not to mention my friends and their spare bedrooms or couches. then i flew to LA. this trip i was housesitting and tried to spend more time with myself rather than running all around to hang out with everyone- even though i still did. i did lots of hiking, saw sylvan esso play (which became my summer soundtrack),made to sure to order indian food, and went to disneyland amongst other adventures. it was a good trip in a drought ridden city.
september– i came back to missouri to rain- which frankly, felt strange after being in LA. colorado called me out once again to do some more commercials for papa johns. i got to meet peyton manning and joe montana, which was pretty cool, even though i care nothing about football. i got one day to play and i went hiking to see the aspens changing. it was a memorable day. at this point i was sure i would have made a decision on where to move, but, yet, i have not. i decide to stick it out till the holidays. because september is practically november anyways.
october– was a busy one! i went back to indianapolis to see my sara again. we went back to IU to spend the day reminicising our collegiate days (not only were we neighbors growing up, but we were freshman roomies) and to eat as much ranch dressing on everything we could. oh, and drink beer. we talked about the days gone by and how old we are now. we also went to this cool place called conner prairie with her kids. i thought it was the coolest thing ever. i totally want to live on a farm. one day i will, i promise.
october also brought one of the best trips of the year. one my dearest and oldest friends from LA was getting married- and in nantucket, ma. i had never traveled north of NYC, so it was an exciting adventure. i would not fly the small planes from boston to the island so i- took two flights to get to boston, a bus ride to hyannis and a ferry to nantucket. a few cabs in there as well, a few xanex, and a lobster roll. nantucket was magical and it was such a fun and special weekend with some of my most beloved friends. i ate a lot of lobster and became obsessed with oysters again. from there i headed back to NYC and spent some more time eating and walking around. i went up in the empire state building like a good old fashioned tourist. i had some sun + glory meetings. i went to philly to see an old college friend whom just had a baby boy. we fell in love, the baby and i that is. i had never been to philly either, so that was a fun little treat and it is always fun to see your friends as momma’s! i then headed back to STL just in time for halloween. i dressed wylie up as a ballerina. i love my dog.
november-i start to take up yoga again and am obsessed with gaiam tv. i have also completely given up on my anti-candida diet. after all, the holidays were around the corner. i headed back to NYC to do another renegade craft fair and work on a sun + glory project coming up. i rented a place on airbnb in bedstuy (brooklyn) and got a little taste of living in the big apple or brooklyn rather. i spent a lot of time on the subway carrying shit and ate a lot of egg and cheese sandwiches amongst an array of oysters and other delicious food. have i mentioned i LOVE NYC? i head back to STL for thanksgiving where i do absolutely nothing all weekend.
december– it is officially the holiday season. i decide that if i don’t just rip the band aid off and move somewhere- i will keep finding excuses. i decide LA is probably my best bet even though secretly i want to move to NYC. i head to chicago to do another renegade craft fair. i eat more oysters and lobster at some of my favorite restaurants in chicago. i have a borderline obsession with oysters. i spent some quality time with my two bff’s there and am glad i decided to leave chicago back in may, it is still cold there. i head back to stl and finish up holiday orders and anxiously await the arrival of my brother’s family while i am make an exorbitant amounts of christmas cookies. we have a very merry christmas with the whole fam (minus one whom was sick and in the hospital- another story). i am terribly sad when they leave. new year’s ever i am in bed at 10pm with a virus. which is generally how i spend new year’s, but at least this year i have the excuse of the virus. i have decided to move my trip to LA to look for an apartment because i have a job in january and two projects i need to get done beginning of feb. it is just an other good excuse.
just kidding. i can’t gain another 10 lbs…it’s time for a fresh start! And i need to stop talking about food.
hopefully, this makes up for my lack of blogging in 2014 or maybe everyone has left the building. it is amazing how fast time can escape you before you know it- it will be 2016. though i poke much fun at myself, it has been a great year and i am so lucky to have amazing opportunities and love in my life. i also have now remembered why i don’t blog anymore, because it takes me like 3 hours to do a post. that is valuable time i could be using to binge watch- something. happy new year!!!! i have missed you.